Wednesday, 12 March 2014

My Oh My Who Could This Be?

Looking Back...

It's amazing, really, how much can change in just two years. I've been sat here at my laptop for the past 20 minutes thinking about the two years that have past since I last waffled on about god-knows-what here on this blog. I feel like, as an individual, I have changed a lot out of necessity for the sake of my own state of mind. I pushed myself through two years of Sixth Form and passed my A Levels, of course ending those two years thinking, "What the hell do I do now?" I developed an obsession with nail polish, racking up a rather large collection of pretty colours relatively quickly. I still read and buy far too many books and still refuse to appologise for it. I turned 18 in 2012 and became a tattooed fiend. I've also become a lot more closed off, talking less about how I feel and keeping that more to myself. I've grown cynical out of disappointment and heartache and yet still act like a wonder struck little kid because that's just who I am at heart.
tattooed//my to-read pile//yesterdays nail polish haul 

The Serious Stuff...

When I left you, two years back, you probably won't remember that I wasn't in the best place. I had finally heard from a counselor and eventually had a first appointment sorted for September. In the time between that last post and my long awaited counselling session I lost my Granddad to cancer. As you can imagine this was a hard time for myself and my family. I won't bring you down with the details but the next few months were a struggle. In the midst of all of this I was having to drag myself out the door everyday to continue my A Levels. I so desperately wanted to do well in school and wanted the best possible grades for myself, but, at the same time, I wanted to hide away from the world and be alone. I began counselling and attended weekly meetings with a lovely lady for the next 7 or 8 months. 

Looking back it definitely helped me but for a long time I felt like these weekly meetings were just pulling me further and further down. When I honestly thought things couldn't feel any worse my Granddad from my Mum's side was taken ill one January morning. By the evening of that very same day he had passed. I couldn't imagine losing one Grandparent but to lose both within 6 months devastated the family. My Mum struggled so much. I felt useless as I there was nothing I could do or say to make anything better. All I could do was continue with the counselling in the hope that the dark cloud that seemed to follow me for the past year would eventually bugger off. We concluded the counselling last April. At the time I didn't feel ready. It felt like my crutch was being snatched from underneath me but we both agreed that maybe it would be easier that way. I don't think that dark cloud has moved on completely even now, but the sun is certainly poking through the gaps that have formed. There are things that have knocked me back considerably every now and then, one being the death of my dear little Fozzie bear. But eventually that was another wound that healed and I was able to move on. 

Moving Forward With a Ball of Fluff

Of course I should mention the little fluff ball that helped me move on. Meeko. Yes, I got another hamster but believe me it took some time. A week after Fozzie passed I found myself in my local garden centre were I first met him. I think in the excitement of seeing these sweet little hamsters I got carried away and thought I was ready to take on another furry creature. Of course my heart won out and I burst into tears in the middle of the shop wondering how I could ever fill the hole that Fozzie left (a little embarrassing thinking about it now) and returned home empty handed. 
Mister Meeko (top right added for fluffiness reference)
It wasn't until early October last year that I once again found myself on an adventure to that fateful garden centre with parents in tow only to find they no longer stocked male hamsters. My Dad then suggested we try another one a little further away. It was here that I met a very fluffy little three week old white and brown hamster who, since then, has become a huge part of my life and our family. 

So what's to come for my little pocketful of wonder? To be completely honest I haven't really decided yet. Maybe some nail polish posts, perhaps a book review here and there, or maybe just some good old random rambles. For now I'm just going to go with whatever my head comes up with. I have some ideas in mind and I look forward to bringing them to you in the future. I'll try not to disappear for the next few years again (I know, bad, bad blogger) but I can't promise any kind of order to this chaos just yet.

Until then...

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